Self discovery: Know your tendency

Hi, welcome to the fourth day of The Leads Intellectual challenge: a 30-day challenge with Fatai Kareem. If you would like to know how you can identify your core values, read the third day challenge here.

Today, he will be discussing how you can know your tendency. Do you find it hard to get things done? Do you get annoyed by what other people do? Do you find it hard to make other people do what you want? You are frustrated and want a way out?

Well, understanding your tendency and tendencies of other people will make you to get things done better and engage with other people effectively. What is your tendency?

Your tendency is how you respond to expectations. According to Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Four Tendencies, there are four tendencies exhibited by people. These are obliger, upholder, questioner and rebel. Each tendency has its traits, strength, weakness, challenges and solutions.

As an obliger:

• you don't want to let others down, but you can let yourself down.

• you make time for other people's priorities at the expense of your own priorities.

• you struggle to get things done when you are not answerable to someone else. If you work for yourself or in an environment that promotes autonomy, you need to be answerable to someone or something else to get things done.

• you are good at meeting demand and deadline.

• you can go extramile to meet your responsibilities; so you can be relied on.

• you get frustrated when you could not achieve your own aim due to your commitment to other people.

• you don't want to be taken for granted, or be treated unfairly. Therefore, you might become rebellion when you notice something like that, hence stop your commitment.

• you may find it hard to say "no" to people's request even when you are feeling overwhelmed, because you don't want to turn them down.

• you value harmony in a relationship.

• you wake up to ask yourself "what must I do today".

Strength

• you can bring people together and maintain harmonious relationship.

• you are reliable.

Weakness and challenges

• when you are treated unfairly or taken for granted, you find it hard to speak up for yourself, hence you turn out to be a rebellion, and stop your commitment. Therefore, learn to speak up for yourself and bring it up in the conversation.

• you struggle to get things done when you are not answerable to someone or something else. Therefore, you need external accountability. This could be achieved by telling someone about your plans, joining a group that supports what you want to do, having a reminder, being supervised.

• you have trouble saying no to others even when you are feeling overwhelmed. Therefore, learn to set priority so that you can say "no" to those that don't really matter to you.

How to work with obligers

• when you want them to do something for you, just tell them, but don't treat them unfairly or take advantage of them.

• when you want to correct them for not taking care of themselves, don't nag them, but help them find external accountability that will make them to be accountable for taking care of themselves.

• when they ask for deadline for a task, don't think it is unnecessary, instead give them a deadline.

• when they can not meet up with the their spouse's expectations while they do for others, their spouse should discuss it with them and external source of accountability can be used for making request from them.

As an upholder:

• you are good at meeting deadline.

• you thrive under rules and expectations.

• you can keep resolutions.

• you struggle with a task that requires flexibility.

• you thrive under routines and schedule.

• you can do what you want to do once you decide to do it.

• you are highly disciplined.

• you take your commitment to yourself seriously as your commitment to other people, hence you get things done much easier.

• you wake up to ask yourself "what is on the schedule or to-do list for today".

• you don't want to make mistakes, so you want the rules and expectations to be clear.

• you get frustrated when you are asked to change plan at the last minute; when you can't break your usual habit when you want to; when you are violating the rules which you ought to follow; when you can't break the rules when you want to; and when you make mistakes.

• you find habit forming easy and gratifying.

Strength

• you are disciplined

• you are good at self-care.

• you are highly productive.

• you are good at forming habits and getting yourself to do things.

Weakness and challenges

• you may seem too rigid when you can't change plan at the last minute. Therefore, try to think of the necessity for such change in order get it done.

• you struggle to work on a task that requires flexibility. Therefore, learn to adapt to change.

• you maybe less productive when the rules or expectations are not clear. Therefore, try to clarify the rule or expectation before performing the task; and learn how similar task is done.

• you may seem cold when you put yourself ahead of others or social activities. Therefore, make yourself clear to others for such decision. 

• you maybe compelled to adhere to rule even if it does not make sense. Therefore, try to review the necessity for following the rule before getting along with it in order to save yourself more time and energy.

• you are always overwhelmed because there is so much on the to-do list. Therefore, keep different multiple to-do lists based on your priorities.

• you maybe frustrated at obligers and rebels when they failed to do things they say they want to do. Therefore, learn about other types of tendencies in order to be of help to them.

How to work with upholders

• when you want them to do something for you, first ask them about their schedule. If they are busy, you can ask them to do it for you later.

• when there is a need to change a plan at last minute, give them reasonable notice and tell them the necessity for such change.

• when they make mistakes and are extremely upset, don't affirm their mistakes, but their efforts. Instead of saying "we all make mistakes" say "you have tried your best, that is the best anyone can do".

• when you want them to get things done effectively, make the rules and your expectations to be clear.

As a questioner:

• you want to know why you should do something.

• you need reasons and justifications to be motivated.

• you may find it hard to make decision or move forward because you need more justifications.

• you wake up to ask yourself "what needs to get done today, and why".

• you ask questions often.

•  you tend to take direction only from people you respect.

•  you dislike being questioned because you are careful with your actions; you find it stressful explaining your decision.

• you decide for yourself whether an action is right. If it lacks purpose, you resist it.

• you love sharing your knowledge and teaching.

• you love to test and experiment, so as to find answers to your questions.

Strength

• your actions are based on logic, reasons and justifications, hence you are efficient and logical in your decisions.

• you value efficiency and improvement.

• you are good at thorough analysis, hence you can help others to discern what they might not have thought of.

Weakness and challenges

• you may seem rude for not following the rules or  not doing something, which you consider to be illogical or inefficient. Therefore, consider those you respect or love that it might help for you to get it done for their sake.

• you may get other people annoyed by asking many questions or when you lack social adeptness while questioning. Therefore, try to ask questions that will benefit the whole team and improve your social skills.

• you may find it hard to make decision due to your quest for more information. Therefore, set deadline for making decisions; you can get trusted parties to get the research done for you. 

• you may get frustrated when others are not guided in their decisions and actions by logic, reasons and justifications as you expected. Therefore, learn about other tendencies and how you can be of help to them.

• you maybe become over-confident and rebellion. Therefore, try to respect other people's views and opinions. You can engage in discussion with them to evaluate your opinions.

How to work with questioners

• when you want them to do something, tell them the reason for doing that thing, why they have to do it in a particular way and why they have to do it at a particular time.

• when you want to ask them question, or they don't answer your question or follow your instruction, try to ask them how they arrived at their conclusion.

• when they think they know more than the expert, tell them to try out the expert's advice as an experiment.

• when you are frustrated at their frequent questioning, try to direct them to resources that will answer their questions.

As a rebel:

• you resist all expectations and control.

• you tend to enjoy meeting challenge you set for yourself.

• you wake up to ask yourself "what do I want to do today".

• you do things you want to do in the way you want it and when you want to do it. Hence, you frustrate others because you are hard to be told to do anything.

• you value authenticity and self-determination.

• you perform well working towards achieving your own goals while you struggle achieving other people's goals.

• you enjoy breaking the rules and conventions.

• you live up to your values and identity.

• you may do the opposite when asked to do something because you hate to be controlled.

• you stick to your habits that matter to only you even if others are not convenient with it.

• you value freedom and choice.

• you find it hard to follow advice, instructions, rules and plans.

Strength

• you enjoy meeting challenge in your own way.

• you are authentic.

• you are great at proving others wrong and achieving great things in the process.

• you live up to your value and identity.

Weakness and challenges

• you maybe seen as uncooperative or irresponsible for ignoring or breaking rules. Therefore, try to challenge your identity and live up to a good one.

• you maybe seen as inconsiderate for resisting people's expectations. Therefore, try to justify the expectation based on your identity and values; if it aligns with them, then see it as a choice, not a control.

• you may find yourself doing something you don't really want to do just to prove others wrong. If this does not contribute to your growth, see it as a waste of time, which you won't want to do.

• at times, you feel unproductive and don't want to do things on your to-do list. Therefore, make the list a challenge and see whether you could achieve it.

• when you don't want to do things for your loved ones because you feel they expect it from you. Therefore, consider what you want to do to be out of love, not an obligation.

• when you refuse to do what you want to do because someone else wants you to do it as well. Therefore, try to see yourself doing what you are free to do whether or not someone else also wants you to do it.

How to work with rebels

• when you want to tell them to do something, first tell them what they are to do, then the consequence of not doing it, and let them make the choice. If they choose not to do it, let them face the consequence.

• when you are frustrated that they refuse to do something or break the rules or plans, use information-consequence-choice sequence as in above. If they still don't comply, let them face the consequence.

• when you are frustrated at their careless attitude towards themselves or their duties, challenge their identity and values. Instead of saying "stop being lazy" say "why are you so lazy".

• when they get less motivated because you praised them, don't praise them because they expect it from you. Instead, affirm their views of themselves. Instead of saying "great job" say "you are competent".

If you are still not sure of what your tendency is, then take tendency quiz here.

Case study

1. Mrs Smith has a son, who she considers to be irresponsible because he doesn't obey her. She is frustrated about his attitude. How can she engage better with her son?

2. Malik and Shukra are couple. Malik doesn't cater for his wife's needs, but he does take the needs of her friends seriously. Shukra was of the opinion that he doesn't love her. Is her opinion right? What can she do to make Malik take her needs seriously?

3. Mr Dapo, an upholder, just got a new job offer from a company that values flexibility and creativity. Will he perform well in this company? Should he accept the job offer? If he accepts it, how can he perform better?

4. Miss Chioma, the manager of AXC company, has four employees: a rebel, an upholder, an obliger, and a questioner respectively. She has cumbersome tasks to execute within a month. These tasks require coming up with a solution supported by thorough analysis, compiling large amount of information (it could be done at anytime), dedicating 6 days a week for preparing necessary documents, and maintaining constant communication with the clients through the month (it is flexible). How can she delegate the duties to her four employees to achieve the best result? How can she engage with her employees for getting the tasks performed well?

Disclaimer: All names used are for illustration purpose.

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