Self discovery: Build your self-esteem

Hi, welcome to the eighth day of The Leads Intellectual challenge: a 30-day intellectual challenge with Fatai Kareem. If you would like to know how you can care for yourself, read the seventh day challenge here.

Today, he will be discussing how you can build your self-esteem. He had discussed what self discovery is; how you can get started with self discovery; the process involved in discovering your true self; how you can identify your core values; how you can know your tendency and get things done; how you can know your personality traits; how you can find your life purpose; and how you can live better through self-care. Without a healthy self-esteem, it maybe hard for you to fulfill your dreams and achieve self-actualisation. What is this self-esteem?

According to Abraham Maslow in his Hierarchy of needs in which "esteem" is the third need, he described "esteem" as the need for respect from others in the form of recognition, success, and admiration, and the  need for self-respect in the form of self-love, self-confidence, skill, or aptitude. And he explained that if the self-esteem need is not fulfilled, individuals will be driven to seek it and unable to grow and achieve self-actualisation.

Self-esteem is your opinion about yourself. It is the belief you have about yourself and the emotion that comes with it. It is your overall sense of self worth or personal value. It shows how much you appreciate and like yourself. For instance, if you believe that you are loved, you feel good about yourself; this may make you relate better with others. Likewise, if you believe that others are better than you are, you feel inferior and bad about yourself; this may stop you from engaging in friendly competition with those people.

Self-esteem can affect things you do and your success throughout your life. Low self-esteem may hold you back from doing great things that will impact your life, and your success in school, relationship, or at  work because you don't believe yourself to be capable of success.

While, having a healthy self-esteem can help you achieve more because you explore life with a positive, assertive attitude and believe  that you can accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams.

How will you know if you have healthy self-esteem or low self-esteem?

You probably have healthy self-esteem if you:

• feel confident in yourself.

• have trust in your capacity to solve problems, even after failure or difficulties.

• have a positive outlook on life.

• act based on your best choice.

• don't feel guilty when others don't like your choice.

• say "no" when you want to.

• trust your own judgement.

• don't worry excessively about the past or negative experience, rather you learn from it.

• don't worry excessively about the future, rather you plan for it.

• firmly believe in certain values and you are ready to defend them and you feel secure to modify them as it may seem best.

• consider yourself equal in dignity; you don't feel superior or inferior.

• express your needs and opinions.

• are sensitive to feelings and needs of others.

• add value to others as much as you get value from them.

• know your strength and weakness and accept them.

• care for yourself as much as you care for others.

• don't desire to prosper at the expense or detriment of others.

• can share your pains and discontent without belittling yourself or others when challenge arises.

• respect generally accepted social rules.

• respect yourself as much as you respect others.

• respect your views and opinions as much as you respect others' views and opinions.

• you resist manipulation and collaborate with others when it is appropriate and convenient.

• have constructive envy towards other people's achievements and you are inspired to do great things.

However, you probably have low self-esteem if you:

• often experience feelings such as shame, depression, or anxiety.

• see yourself to be inferior to others.

• are usually indecisive due to fear of mistake or failure.

• are pessimistic and have negative outlook on life.

• see temporary setbacks as permanent and unsurmountable condition.

• find it hard to express your needs and opinions.

• use negative words to describe yourself.

• blame yourself when things go wrong.

• find it hard to accept positive feedback.

• lack confidence.

• see yourself to be lucky when you succeed at doing something.

• find it hard to say "no".

• are extremely critical of yourself.

• dwell on past mistakes.

• put other people's needs before your own.

• are not satisfied or happy with yourself.

• have destructive envy or resentment towards other people's achievements.

• focus on your weakness.

This low self-esteem could have been caused by:

• an unhappy childhood.

• bad or unfair treatment from parents, partners or other people.

• trauma: physical, sexual or emotional abuse.

• bullying and negative peers.

• dissatisfactory body image.

• discouraging and negative remarks.

• academic challenge.

• past mistakes and failures.

• unrealistic goals and expectations.

• lack of support and care.

• being rejected or neglected.

• major life changes such as divorce, relationship breakdown, death of loved one, job loss or financial crisis.

• negative thoughts pattern due to negative experience.

• mental illness or medical problems.

You can overcome this challenge through these ways:

• being self-aware and understanding what needs to improved.

• telling yourself positive messages and using positive words to describe yourself.

• doing things that give you joy and make feel good about yourself.

• being with positive people from whom you get inspired to do great things.

• being less worried about the past and future by learning from the past and planning for the future.

• setting achievable goals and involving those that will encourage and guide you to achieve those goals.

• not comparing yourself to others.

• practising self-care.

• appreciating your special gift and endowment.

• accepting those things you can not change and working positively on those things you can influence.

• accepting failure and mistake as a learning opportunity rather misfortune.

• engaging in humanitarian and voluntary activities.

• sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends and family, and seek feedback about how you are doing.

• having a could-do list and challenging yourself to do it to see if you could.

• reading books and watching videos that help you to see the positive side of yourself and build your confidence.

• challenging your belief about yourself and affirming only the positive ones.

• showing yourself love and compassion.

• taking personal development courses.

• seeking professional advice and guidance.

• changing your negative thoughts to positive ones such as "what if I fail"  to "what if I succeed", "I can't make it" to "I can make it".

Case study

1. Clais does not perform well in his academic. When he shows his parents his result, they are disappointed and blame him for the failure. Are his parents right? How can their remark affect his life? Can he perform better? How can his parents motivate him to work harder next time?

2. Mr J, the manager of J ltd, has two personnels who work with him. He does praise one because she does perform well. While he does insult the other person because of her poor performance. How can his attitude affect both personnels? How can his attitude affect the company? How can his attitude affect teamwork in the company? How can he do better?

3. Grace believes that she is too fat and dislikes her herself. Hence, she fails to attend classes. She avoids important meeting. She stays indoor. Is she right with her actions? As her close friend, how can you help her feel better?

4. Son, who strongly believes in himself, bullies other guys and forces them to be submissive. He does take advantage of other guys. Does he have a healthy self-esteem? What are the implications of his behaviour? How can you help him behave better?

Disclaimer: All names used are for illustration  purpose.

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